A Long Short Month

This month has been anything but short. My call nights have been long and difficult. Busy admitting, but also admitting some sick kids. Last night was no different. But last night was also very different. I didn't lose a patient like the other night- just scroll down the page. But last night hit home in a different way. Last night I sat face to face with myself.

It's been almost 12 years. On March 10, 2012 I will officially be a 12 year cancer survivor. I can still remember March 9 and 10 of 2000 vividly. I knew what I had because I had looked it up on the internet- I'm a bad patient. It had been there for over a year before I told anyone- again a bad patient. The pain and heaviness and stress had become to much to bear. My mom came home from work and I finally told her that I had felt a mass. The next morning we met Dr. Conrad, my urologist, and later that day I was having surgery to remove the cancer. I had known the diagnosis even before the operation. Dr. Conrad had basically confirmed it before the operation and was able to say for certain shortly after it was over. We didn't have to wait long at all.

Last night I admitted a teenage boy that may have cancer. I can't say much on here right now of course. But for now he and his family are still waiting to know for sure and to know what kind it might be. I admitted him to the hospital last night. It was me sitting in the hospital bed 12 years ago. His mother was there. His father was there. Soon many friends and family members came. The way things work at LeBonheur is that the intern goes to see a new patient first and then tells me about them. I reviewed everything the intern had told me with the patient and the father. Then I told them some of my story as a survivor. I could see 18 year old Jason lying in the bed across from me.

I don't know exactly why he came to LeBonheur. I mean I know why, but it could have turned out differently. He could have gone straight to St. Jude. I would have never met him or his family. Maybe that is why it happened this way. I went to see him again this morning and his mother was sitting in the room with him. She remarked that he had told her about what I had told him last night, that I was a survivor. I shared with him that the verse that always got me through things was James 1:2. They commented that many people had already brought up James and all the trials he went through. I told him and his mother echoed the sentiment that you have to have the right attitude and demeanor to have a chance against this thing called cancer. He asked some pointed questions, most of which I was unable to answer.

I hope in some small way I was able to help. To give hope with my story. I think that was why I came into contact with him. If the entire purpose of everything I went through was so that I could be there at that moment to tell him my story and shape his outlook on what lies ahead then I think it was worth it. Maybe my whole journey through cancer and into medicine was all so that I would be there at that moment. Not that I'm that great or anything, but that it may have been how God was working in both of us.

Once again it makes me think of my path in life so far and what lies ahead. For almost a year now I had decided that I would go into general pediatrics after residency and not pursue a fellowship. Specifically not a fellowship in oncology. I don't know. Maybe that is what I am supposed to do. I do know that it would be emotionally draining to relive this every day. I also would be afraid that it would become the new normal and desensitize me somehow. There is also three more years of long call nights, research, and busy hours away from my family to consider.

I am also reminded of what a strong, tough lady my mother is as she continues to endure this as well. She may not want me sharing too much, but she has continued to battle cancer these last months. She continues to face it head on and come through it even stronger. You would never know that she has been going through chemo and radiation. She hasn't missed a beat. That's the strength it takes to beat this awful disease. I am so proud of her and look forward to the day when this is all behind her.

Last February was hard. I was actually at St. Jude for a rotation that month. My mother found out that her cancer had returned. This February has been hard as well. Spring is just around the corner and all the hope that comes with it. Life will go on for all of us. Our strength will sustain us. Hope springs eternal.